Today has been interesting to say the least, and it's only midday!
I awoke to a bit of mean message, you can find it on my FB page here, I don't want to cover it again :)
Let me tell you what I've learnt today.
As scary as it has been to air this journal so publicly, it has been incredibly therapeutic. As I type each day, I am learning so much about myself, my triggers and how I can deal with this struggle in a healthy way.
I have learnt that there are many many more of us out there, dealing with depression, silently, feeling very alone. Even if they don't comment, they often message me privately and share their own story.
I have learnt that "admitting" to having a mental illness doesn't have to ruin your reputation, as I feared it might. While I'm sitting here, thinking that people are going to start seeing me as this miserable woman, someone they cannot trust or take seriously, I'm also learning that the beautiful, happy part of me is still there. She does come out, often actually, but sometimes the chemicals in my brain try to take her down, and sometimes they succeed. And that is why I must fight to keep her alive. And why you must fight to keep the beautiful part of yourself alive too.
While I'm feeling positive and relatively upbeat, I'm actually not having a good mental health day..
I know how confusing that sounds, but if you're feeling positive, how can you also be depressed? I wish I could answer that, but I actually can't even explain it to myself. I'm actually smiling as I'm typing, because while I'm typing I'm seeing a flood of supportive messages, and having a beautiful conversation with one of my closest friends. BUT, in the back of my mind, and in the pit of my tummy, I'm holding back tears. I'm overwhelmed. I'm STILL having thoughts of, well you're having a good day, but it's a fluke, because actually you're worthless and you're never really going to be successful. This good feeling is temporary, it will go away, and you will once again, be without your motivation because you're not really good enough to be successful.
The big S word...
I flippen know I'm not worthless, I know I'm good at what I do, but I can't get rid of those thoughts. And every now and then, not every day, I wonder if people's lives would be easier, and less negative, without me in it. Maybe, if they didn't have to deal with me, they would be happier.
Now here's where it gets real, and I haven't mentioned this yet, because it's heavy. Feeling suicidal, does not necessarily mean that you actually want to end your life. It doesn't mean you're planning anything, or even thinking of planning anything. For me anyway, more often than not, it's just the persistent thought that it might be better for everyone if you went away. And once again, no matter how illogical I realise those thoughts are, they persist. I KNOW how many people love me, how many would miss me, how much my husband and son need me. I KNOW.
Mental illness is evil. It will try to convince you of a million things you know aren't true. It's chemical.
In closing for today...
Thank you, to everyone that reads this. Thank for all the love and support. I don't know if I'll be able to keep going for the whole month, but I promise to try. If you are struggling too, please get in touch if you feel like you have no one else to talk to. If you're not getting help yet, please do, not just for your own sake, but for those around you. I know it can make you feel like you're alone, but it affects those around you as well.