Today has not been a good day
October is Mental Health Awareness Month. I'm going to try and share what it's like for me, each day, as we go through the month.
There is still a lot of stigma around mental health and depression, and while I am very open about my life and what I go through, it's still hard to be as honest as I'd like about my mental health. Yes, because I fear what people will think of me.
Today, is not a good day.
First off, I woke up feeling shitty, and this isn't always the case. Bad days don't always start out bad right from the start, but today it did. Irritable and frustrated, but grateful for Monday because that means I am alone at home and I can regroup.
I started the day off with a lovely cup of coffee, outside in the lovely spring sunshine. I LOVE summer, so when the days are warm like today, it makes me happy!
Once I got to my laptop, things quickly went downhill. I started my graphic design course on Udemy, but because I'm using a trial version of Adobe Creative suite, I got stuck in the first hour of the course and couldn't continue. I'm scared to pay the monthly fee in case it ends up being a waste or I need the money for something else. Checked my emails, nothing much going on, replied to a few, one new lead for Empire but also followed up on some queries I sent out last week.
10:30, suddenly exhausted!
Not a good sign, when I'm THIS tired at this point in the day, something isn't right, so I went to lie down. I napped until 12:30, hoping I would feel better if I just listened to my body and took a break. Not today. I got out of bed, made myself lunch and went outside again for some sunshine, looking at the trees and searching desperately for some inspiration and motivation to push myself and my businesses forward. I am back at my laptop by 1pm, and I start searching on google, articles on entrepreneurship, updates in digital marketing, new things I can learn, interesting podcasts, interviews and articles. Lots of great stuff online, but still, no motivation. Now I'm getting frustrated.
I'm frustrated because I am trying.
I know what I'm good at. I know how much experience I have, and when things are good with my mental health, how much I accomplish and the amount of compliments I get. I am sitting here, doing all of that and more, making notes, journaling, TRYING to function and ignore "the voice". You clearly suck at this Keri. You're not good at anything, you've been doing this for how long? You're in your 30's and you're still trying to be more than what you're ever going to be. Give up. Get a job. Ok, I'll do a job search. Shit, I won't even be considered for any of these, no one will want me. And if they do, they'll realise their mistake and fire me or figure out your depression is a huge disability and get rid of you or stop trusting you. Ok, so do the stay at home mom thing, being a mom is enough. Cool, dishes, laundry, get out the vacuum cleaner. Ugh, I should be doing MORE than just being a stay at home mom, I have so much experience! Back to my desk, and the cycle starts again. These are my thoughts, unedited. Every. Day.
I know how it sounds.
It sounds like I'm moaning and making excuses. I KNOW how it sounds. I cannot take phone calls on days like today. I have extreme anxiety when this phone rings. SUUUUUUUUUPER helpful when you're trying to run a business. Honestly if people could just Whatsapp and email I would be so much calmer. I hate the phone. I can speak in front of people, because it means I can prepare. Should I get over it? Ja, I probably should, but I can't. It's hard.
When people say that small victories are important in a depressed persons day, it's true. Believe them.
Today is not a good day. I'm frustrated, miserable and haven't spoken two words to anyone. Except my baby boy when I dropped him at school. I can fake it really well with him. He doesn't have to know, I ALWAYS smile, make jokes, and play silly buggers, and be completely normal for him. I am not his problem. It's 2:45 pm. I have accomplished nothing. I want to cry. I want to run away, I want to pack it all in. I want to try again tomorrow but I also want a holiday on an island for 7 days. Just me, alone.
I will try again tomorrow, because that's what I always do. I will fetch my son from school, make dinner, bath him, read his bedtime stories and put him to bed happy. I will watch something funny on TV and try to cheer myself up a bit, and look at motivating and inspiring things on Pinterest. I will wake up in the morning and try again. That's all I feel like I can do.