Alrighty, Day 3!
I was up at 6am with little man today, but feeling positive and energetic. I made sure to get dressed AND put on makeup. Seems silly, but this is an important step to helping myself get going when I get back home, no reason to get back into bed because I'm dressed. I forced myself, do your makeup, put in your contact lenses. Out the door!
Once I got back, again, I sat with my cup of coffee outside, it's still super early, so I don't need to be at my computer just yet, I can just breathe, nothing is expected of me right now. I'm still feeling pretty happy and energetic, but the fear that it could disappear at any moment is there, so I start saying to myself: "Today is going to be a good day", "Good things are going to happen", "You're going to have a good day". At this point I feel insane, why are you motivating yourself? You have nothing big planned, just a regular day of work. Chill out. But I do need to say this, I need to remind myself that I need to keep my momentum going.
I want to remind you that each of these days that I am documenting are not unique, I have had these sorts of days 100 times before, but this is the first time I am putting it in black and white for all to see.
I start working, Top Model first. Creating a nice video to use in a Facebook ad and get some new excitement going for our upcoming semifinal. It's been such a fun project to work on! I really enjoy creating content too. Videos, posters, graphics, websites, LOVE it.
At about 11am, I can feel the fatigue setting in, which is super annoying, but I decide to make a cup of coffee and get some fresh air. One shall not nap today! Also of note: I actually had breakfast today. You might be thinking, ok, well who cares? I do. I will spend the whole day feeling hungry because I couldn't be bothered to make food, I can't decide what I want to eat, or I've convinced myself that I don't need to eat. A small bowl of muesli and yoghurt is a victory.
It's been a productive day!
I have had to motivate myself away from napping for the last 3 hours, I don't know what it is about antidepressants but sometimes they give me insomnia and sometimes I'm incredibly fatigued. It's now 13:50 and I've also just had a ham roll for lunch. Another victory, given that as I mentioned before, I usually don't eat, and only eat a bit at dinner. I'm functioning like a normal human today!
It's also been a productive few hours, I've updated my various websites, booked a new retainer client (2nd this month!) and come up with another new idea, among other small tasks that I have managed to get through, which is great! I have also been booked for a shoot on Thursday which is awesome :)
So overall, a good day, still a few hours to go, but I'm loving a day of positivity and progress!
I caved and napped for an hour, from 4-5pm. I was just becoming too unproductive and staring at my laptop not accomplishing anything. At 5 when I got up I felt SUPER guilty, but I tried to remind myself that I need to be gentle on myself so I had another cup of coffee and sat outside. I did more work until 6pm, Steven and Deon arrived home and I've now started dinner and the food is in the oven while I finish this post.
It's been a good day overall, much more positive and productive than the last two days. I hope it lasts, but you never know. I will continue working into the evening to suck as much as I can out of this positive opportunity.
Go back and read my previous entries :)
EDIT - 21:25
So the evening has been filled with anxiety, depression and frustration. Came out of nowhere. I went out to get chocolate and felt myself driving really slowly, staring into space. When I stopped my car outside my house, I couldn't get out, I just sat there. Numb. In that moment, everything came together and overwhelmed me from the beginning. The stress of the last year, the struggle of my mental state and my emotions, marriage, motherhood, finances. Just all sitting on me like a ton of bricks I cannot escape from. I decided to message a close friend, and as always, she had me stitches, and I'm reminded how important these friendships are. I didn't tell her how stressed I was feeling, I just reconnected with her and we ended up planning a weekend away. I can't wait. Wine, sunshine, girl time. Necessary!
I'm going to do some work now, I need to distract my busy brain.
Good night! x